Police Reports | March 5, 2009

Eric Rasmussen |

1.  When the church says, “The Lord helps those who help themselves,” they are not referring to those who help themselves to $20,000 from the church treasury.

2.  A North American muskellunge can hold upwards of $2,970 in its mouth. Whether the money came from gambling winnings or drug sales makes no difference to the musky.

3.  Stealing money from a business burns about 400 calories per hour. If a thief is uninterested in weight loss, a good way to make up those calories is to check if the business also has large bags of frozen chicken wings available for thieving.

4.   As the king of evil, Satan would probably find more sinister ways to resist arrest than spitting in the officer’s face. Therefore, if you believe you are Satan, you should, too.

5.  Always carry a calculator when you go out drinking. That way, when you attempt to misrepresent your age to a police office, you will not end up claiming you are an 18-year-old born in 1986. The police are good at math.

6.  Numerous materials can be worn on one’s feet to help shield them from the cold – leather, wool, cotton, and many others. Alcohol alone does little to keep your piggies from becoming frostbitten.

7.  If you are interested in illegally hunting geese, there are several places you should look – marshes, lakes, and fields adjacent to the homes of police officers who just happen to be looking out their living-room windows with their families when you start shooting.

8.  The effectiveness of telling your children that their pets have all gone to live on a wide-open farm somewhere is significantly reduced when they can hear the gun shots.

9.  If you toss a snowball on UWEC grounds, you can be fined for “throwing objects on campus property.” To avoid legal trouble then, just give passing strangers wicked face-washes.

10.  The larger a hug you receive from a stranger in a McDonald’s, the less likely you should be to give him or her the address to your unlocked home.

11.  A great way to get a leg up on the pursuit of a new career would be to attend a Career Development Center bright and early on a Monday morning. However, running into the building with your car is an inappropriate way to show your enthusiasm.

12.  Taking several shots of “liquid courage” to prepare yourself for your public intoxication court hearing is an unwise application of the “hair of the dog” philosophy.