Rejection Letters From Santa 2016
colorful correspondence between area folks and the big, bearded guy
Dear Santa Claus,
Don’t get us wrong, we love all the new hotels. Big ones, little ones, downtown, out by the highway … But here’s our question: What about new motels? What about the little places with thrift store bedspreads and terrible shower pressure? And not only do folks love a nice wood-paneled room that smells a little like cigarettes, our guys need the work. The whole union is hurting. We’ve got families, too. Just a few motels.
– Association of Wood Panelers, Local 337
Dear Wood Panelers,
Did you know that in some of these fancy new hotels I can charge my phone right from the nightstand? That’s unbelievable. The days of moving the dresser and having to unplug a lamp are long gone. I love a good motel, but I’m going to give you the thread count of the sheets in some of these new places to explain why I’m going to have to pass you by this year. 700. Sorry.
Maybe you can wood-panel some Kwik Trips? We’ve got plenty of those.
Sorry if this is a little weird, but I’m in a bit of a bind. I had this super delish dinner last year during our Mexico vacation, and I got the recipe, which was in Spanish, if you can believe it, but I finally got it translated and I need a type of pepper called a “Pimenta Biquinho”? Have you ever heard of these? I checked Festival, Target, all the Gordy’s (even the one by Lake Wissota), and all of the bodegas. Woodman’s doesn’t even have them! Crazy!
– Area Mom Who Needs a Really Specific Type of Pepper
Dear Area Mom WNARSTOP,
I’m sure this dinner will be quite the fiesta, but we don’t normally deliver produce. We need to use the very limited greenhouse space up at the North Pole to keep the elves fed. Most of them have scurvy as it is. I’m positive you can grab a can of jalapeños and it will taste identical.
Dear Santa, Santa, SANTA!!!
♪♪We closed our eyes, drew back the curtain, aah-aah…♪♪ and what did we see? Tons of new art and performance space at the Confluence! That’s fan-fan-fan-fantastic! As we gear up for what will the most breathtaking, awe-inspiring, edge-of-your-seat, life-changing production the Chippewa Valley has ever seen, we need something to take it over the top. We need… a laser sphinx!
♪♪Santa, Santa, Santa… We love you!♪♪
–The Cast of 2020’s Production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
Dear Theater People,
Golly do I love that musical. Those songs … every time … Not only do you get your laser sphinx, I’m bringing you a three-story fire escape for West Side Story and a genuine surrey for Oklahoma! with real live horses.
Gosh, am I excited.
The city now has bike lanes and paths for rollerbladers. Downtown is becoming super walkable. It’s not even rare to seen unicyclers or those guys who look like they’re cross-country skiing on the road. But you know what form of green transportation has been totally screwed over around here? Railroad pushcarts. Those of us who choose the exercise and very limited freedom of America’s greatest form of human-powered transportation have basically been told we’re not welcome. For Christmas, we’d like more urban train tracks.
Don’t test us. We will protest.
– Railroad Pushcarters
You’re right. We need to be fair. We’ll start the decades-long process of turning all the bike trails back into railroads. Thanks for bringing this to my attention.
– Mr. Kringle
This is so funny. You’re not going to believe this. I read the recipe wrong! I actually need pasilla peppers, which is the dried version of the chilaca pepper. Ha! Disaster averted!
I understand you don’t deliver produce, so maybe you can bring a trendy place to get groceries downtown? Indoor market, food co-op, whatever. It doesn’t matter, as long as it carries literally every foodstuff humans have ever created, most of which I will pass by while saying, “Gross!” until I find the one thing I need, but then decide it’s too expensive and just get Subway for the family on my way home.
— Area Mom Who Needs a Really Specific Type of Pepper
Dear Area Mom WNARSTOP,
You Wisconsin people and your weird relationships with food. It’s almost as if the long winters turn on some weird ancient hibernation DNA. I’ve never seen people get so worked up about grocery stores.
You decide – local organic food market downtown, or a Gordy’s on every other block in the whole city. Let me know.
Dear Fellow Creature of Dreams and Nightmares,
OOOOOO! The city keeps tearing down all the creepy old buildings and scary overgrown lots. OOOOOO! There are fewer and fewer places left to haunt. AAAAAAA! What should we do?
I’m not real sure. Maybe start haunting the Kwik Trips? We’ve got plenty of those.