My wife is so good with directions, it frightens me. On the other hand, I’m so bad with directions, it frightens her.

If you were to superglue a blindfold onto my wife, throw her into a helicopter, fly her into the heart of the Amazonian jungles, lower her into the thicket via harness and cable, give her a canteen of fresh water and say, “You need to be home by 8:30pm to watch 30 Rock,” she would be home by 5. With Cheetos.

If you were to do the same thing to me, I’d probably stand there listening to the helicopter fly away with a big dumb smile on my face because, well, helicopters are awesome. I have no idea how to get anywhere. Seriously, ask me which way is north. Go on, ask me.

I just pointed south-east. Or so I’m told.

Don’t even get me started on driving directions. Honestly, I’m surprised my wife lets me drive her anywhere. I grew up in Eau Claire, and she moved here about 10 years ago, yet I often drive in the absolute opposite direction of where we are going. For some strange reason, this really annoys her. I think it physically hurts her brain if we’re going the wrong way. You know how scientists have yet to understand a bird’s sense of direction and how they are able to find their way halfway around the world? They think it’s got something to do with the Earth’s magnetic field. Also, they think my wife may have trained them.

The driving thing is kind of a sore subject between us. Personally, I think arriving at your destination is overrated. My wife feels quite differently. I try to remind her that, “It’s the journey that really matters, Baby. Enjoy the ride! Not all those who wander are lost!” She usually counters with something stupid like, “I agree with you, Mike, but our insurance agent expected us in his office 10 minutes ago, and you’ve somehow driven us to Thorp.”

My biggest glitch is that, even though I grew up here, I’ve only ever drove to about 10 different places. And eight of those locations required the use of Clairemont Avenue for about half the trip. So now I have this instinctual need to drive to Clairemont before going anywhere else. I feel lost with out that big, dumb avenue. I know it’s insane, but I just can’t shut it off. You know how Olympic athletes develop muscle memory to execute their routines? I’m just like that! Except instead of spending years in physical training in the hopes of achieving world-class excellence, I took too many trips to Oakwood Mall for a hot pretzel.

    However! While, I’m quick to admit the ridiculous proportions of my driving ineptitude, I’m quick to point out that, as far as driving around Eau Claire is concerned, it hardly matters.

OK, many of you may argue with me, but I will stand by my conviction: No matter what your starting and end points are, it will never take you more than 20 minutes to get anywhere in Eau Claire. And that’s a generous time estimate. If you are in Eau Claire, and you start driving to some other place in Eau Claire, barring traffic accidents, demonic possession, and your car getting lofted into the air by a tornado and tossed into the Chippewa River, you will be there in 20 minutes or less.

The big-baby-whining of people unhappy with Eau Claire’s traffic has been well documented – from the people who used to bitch about “rush hour” traffic on the old Highway 53, to the people who can’t handle summer road construction, to the people who won’t shut up about the stoplights on Clairemont, which (I’ll admit) seem designed just to piss you off. I have two words for these people:

Twenty. Minutes.

Leave 20 minutes early and you’ll be fine. And learn to sit at a stoplight for more than 60 seconds before you get all huffy and totally freak out. If your car is equipped with a compact disc player, perhaps you could bring along some favorite music to help pass the time. It’ll be like taking a ride with your favorite recording artists! You can pretend they are sitting in the passenger’s seat, giving you a private concert. Or you could just chill the hell out.

To be clear, my wife doesn’t complain about local traffic. She’s already home.