Like many men my age, as a boy, I was required by federal law to like Star Wars. For those of you who are too young to remember these laws, it’s time for a history lesson.

Throughout the late 70s and most of the 80s, George Lucas had tremendous pull within both the U.S. Senate and the U.S. House of Representatives. (He gained his pull through secret campaign donations, bribes, promises of cameo appearances, and blatant mind control.) Amendments were made. Bills were passed. And a nation of boys, whether they wanted to or not, fell in love with the original Star Wars trilogy (movies for the most part about awesome laser sword fighting).

Boys were the perfect target for Star Wars. Besides a seemingly genetic love of space ships and Wookies, they are young enough to accept things like horribly written dialogue and the legitimacy of Mark Hamill’s acting talent.

When coupled with his visionary grasp of movie merchandise rights, Lucas’s legislative influence had astonishing effects upon the average American household. The endgame of this vast spider web of control was that I, Mike Paulus, owned well over 14 cubic tons of plastic molded into the shapes of Stormtroopers, Tie Fighters, Han Solos, and Ewok Village play sets.

This is a timely topic. Even though there are no new Star Wars movies coming out anytime soon, something even bigger is happening: garage sale season.

In my own post-adolescent mind, there is a strong connection between Star Wars and garage sales. Why? I’ll tell you. In the late-80s, my family had a large garage sale and I decided to sell my entire collection of Star Wars toys (I kept the G.I. Joes.). An older guy came and bought the whole shootin’ match – every last plastic blaster – for $70. At the time, I was elated – that was more cash than I’d ever seen in one place. Looking back, I’m horrified.

Seventy dollars … 20 years ago … for essentially trashed plastic toys. Wow. I’m no expert in this field, but if I still owned those toys, my collection would be worth roughly $90 million and I’d be richer than God.

That is my best garage sale story.

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    The humble garage sale has always been a good (and to many, enjoyable) way of both saving and making money. And right now, because our economy can be politely described as “a giant pile of crap,” people are ultra-interested in retaining extra cash. And so the many, many government-certified garage sale industry experts I’ve interviewed are predicting a fairly huge season this summer. Lots of people selling. Lots of people buying. Lots of old Garfield collector’s glasses from Hardee’s changing hands. Lots of old clothes made new-to-you.

I’m sure all you avid garage-salers out there have a mental list of all the stuff you’d like to buy this year. A coffee table. A blender. Maybe a sweet papasan chair. Jeans. And maybe you’re even thinking about having your own garage sale. If so, allow me to offer a few tips I picked up while interviewing many, many government-certified garage sale industry experts. Here we go:

1. Make attractive, easy-to read signs and place them on street corners and rooftops.

2. Capitalize on the season. Feature luggage at going-away-to-school or vacation time. Feature guns and ammo during hunting season. Etc.

3. Dolls are always popular. Convince your children they’d rather have $3 than some stupid doll.

4. Set up a rain location! If it rains, your sale will suck. Clean out your garage or rent your local indoor sports center just in case.

5. Most people will not buy your old underwear. If someone wants to, ask them to leave.

6. Arrange books and CDs so buyers can see their titles. Arrange your Ace of Base CDs and Titanic soundtrack at the bottom of the nearest trashcan.

7. Kids’ clothes are also hot sellers. Make sure to advertise your sale at grade schools, preschools, playgroups, story times, pediatric dentists’ offices, and other places kids are known to loiter.

8. People will probably show up early, looking to snag the sweetest deals. Mock them and ban them from all future sales.

9. If you will be selling stuff for other people, make sure they are not jerks. Sometimes, if you can’t move their merchandise, they will get pissed and never stop by to pick it back up like they said they would, apparently assuming that you have a use for their frickin’ mauve-colored plastic shower curtain rod.

There. Now you are ready to have the perfect garage sale, and there’s no need to be afraid. Remember, fear leads to anger. And anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering. And that, my friends, is the path to the dark side.